I want to share something very personal. Sometimes life is so hard and you wonder why certain things happen. Most of you that follow me, via Facebook or Instagram, would assume my life is pretty easy, pretty good, and pretty happy. I would say my life is good, but during this life season, I feel like my head is barely above water and I’m barely making it to the next day.
My racing career is very taxing on me right now. I’m not getting all the results I feel like I should be getting, and I feel like I’m always working. I work at home a lot, if I’m home, I feel like I must be working. That might be working on my cars, organizing parts, doing emails, social media posts, and then all the work that JTP requires. The balance of work and family is really tough for me. My wife is at home, all three of my kids are home, and I’m working all day, I feel like I’m being tortured hearing them during the day, but not being able to shut off my working mind. That’s a struggle that I’ve fought for a while. A lot of the times I wish I just had a 9-5 job that I could leave and just come home to my resting place. Some of you might be thinking …. “what a complainer, you have it so good”. I’m just being honest with my feelings. I do know I have it very good, but life is hard.
2017 has been a tough year where I’ve done more trips and more races than I have attended in a long time. I’ve had 14 five to six day racing weeks so far this year. That’s not counting all the testing and practice days, and then all the days and nights working on my cars. Megan and I haven’t been able to have very many dates, maybe 3 dates all year. Now having Nash, our 4th child, 3rd living child, our house is PURE craziness all the time. Add that to all the days I’ve been gone, the pressure on my wife has been heavy too.
I’m not trying to throw a pity party, this is what I’m trying to say. God is always working and has a crazy plan. Normally you don’t agree with the plan and your asking God, “why are you doing this to me God, why is this happening”? With all this craziness and busyness the last 12 months, we have had to stop attending our church bible studies. That’s been really hard for all of us. Also all my weekend trips, kids being sick …. etc …. we have missed a lot of church services.
I’ve also been battling a lonelyness feeling. Too busy to be a good friend to my friends, too busy to be the husband I need to be for my wife, too busy to be the child of God I am called to be.
Then, this whole STUPID thing with me putting up my ROAR National Championship trophy for auction. In my head, I thought it would be a fun thing and people would enjoy it. Right before I posted it, I had a terrible feeling about it, but I felt stuck because I already said I would be auctioning off something cool. I also LOVE and HATE social media. All the comments are hard to handle, as 95% of the people don’t really know me, and a small percentage of people say really hurtful things. I’ll get 100 good comments and then 1 bad comment. That bad comment will haunt me for days, and I HATE that I can allow that person to actually hurt me. Well, a few bad comments came in about the auction, I knew it was a bad decision, so I decided to cancel it. Then a bunch of good comments came, but also a couple more bad ones. I shouldn’t respond, but I always want to share my side and try to straighten it up.
I’ve been tore up all day, in a terrible mood, not being super nice to my wife, not being the strong and loving father to my kids, and it made me crazy angry inside.
God opened my eyes …. I’m struggling because I’ve pushed him aside, I can’t handle life on my own. God used this whole stupid trophy situation to open my eyes. Holy cray, God is so Good! I turned on Matt Chandler on YouTube and listened to 5 or so sermons in a row while I built my 2wd and mounted some tires for next weeks ROAR Nationals. I had so much weight lifted off my shoulders, I went upstairs and just hugged my wife like I haven’t in a while. The piece I felt was just amazing. I have such a great family, such a great job, such a great wife, and I thank God for opening up my eyes!
With the current situation with social media, a lot of people post only the highlights. It can make you feel like your not doing good enough, and that can be tough. Everybody is going through something, life is hard, no matter who you are. I know I can’t handle my life without God, and to me, that’s a huge relief. God will always help me, I just need to talk to Jesus and build my relationship with him. God will not give me more than I can handle. God gives us all these tools to use, it’s just up to us to use them.
If your struggling, I hope this can encourage you in some way. We are humans, we are all messed up, we are not perfect, and by Gods grace, we are saved and have amazing hope in Jesus.